I’ve been in a bit of a lull lately, specifically at work. I’ve noticed that my place of work being my place of prayer is not necessarily helpful for me. Going to mass every day somehow became more of a routine than something I actively chose to do. I suppose routines aren’t bad to have, even if you aren’t maintaining an active consciousness in them. Fr. Duns has told me that sometimes contemplation can sometimes be a more effective prayer, especially for me.

The amount that I’ve been “checked out” during mass has made me frustrated. Taizé was a place where I could usually find the space to really connect with the readings and contemplate thoughtfully, but I haven’t been able to do that in about two months because I have been live streaming. While I like live-streaming, it is another excuse for me to dissociate from the actual prayer. The beauty of our Taizé community is that there are a lot of other young adults experiencing the same confusion and questions in their own faiths. I realized that interacting with others after Taizé helps me feel secure in my confusion and that confusion is okay.

“I don’t know if I believe, but I act as if it is true because I know that that will give me a more fulfilling and meaningful life” is what someone told me after Taizé. I thought that quote was so beautiful and sometimes applies to me. The reality is choosing to act like it is true is actually having faith and trust in God. Consciously we will never be able to truly know God. We will never have the answers. For a science nerd who relies on logic, that is a really hard thing to admit and causes a lot of tension in faith. Needing some ounce of logic was why I was so drawn to Theology. It gave me as good of a logical foundation as I could get. From there, you have to build even further trust and faith in God. Where that is built the strongest for me is in community prayer. The honesty and love in our space of prayer is what gives me hope.

At mass a couple of days after I heard that quote, we had a visiting priest at daily mass, and he read the poem below by Julia Fehrenbacher. There aren’t many words that come to mind after this poem because it says my thoughts so well.

Hold Out Your Hand

Let’s forget the world for a while
fall back and back
into the hush and holy
of now

Are you listening? This breath
invites you
to write the first word
of your new story

Your new story begins with this:
You matter

You are needed—empty
and naked
willing to say yes
and yes and yes

Do you see
the sun shines, day after day
whether you have faith
or not
the sparrows continue
to sing their song
even when you forget to sing
yours

Stop asking: Am I good enough?
Ask only
Am I showing up
with love?

Life is not a straight line
it’s a downpour of gifts, please—
hold out your hand