Oh, what a journey Lent has been. So far, I have failed at my Lenten practice nearly every day, and my heart is gloomy not just from the weather. I haven’t really done much to move towards the central virtue that I have chosen to work on, and I haven’t done anything to practice almsgiving. I am really bad at this Lent thing. I am really bad at this whole “trying to be a saint” thing. I am not giving up though. Being around the students that we meet with for youth group as well as teaching about the sacrament of reconciliation to the second classes has reminded me about how awesome it is to just try again. People judge by actions, but only God knows the heart. Every day that I try to keep to my Lenten practice is a step towards God. And isn’t that kind of the point of Lent? Not to turn to your friends and complain about how you haven’t had sugar in weeks or flaunt how you have accomplished not touching your phone until after 3:00PM. Lent is about diving headfirst into the struggle towards God. Only you and God will feel how deep the ocean is that you are diving into.
Overcoming temptation is like trying to do the splits. You won’t get into the splits on your first try. Every time you try the splits, your body stretches and relaxes just a little bit more, so even if you keep failing, you are moving closer to the splits simply by trying. It will take you a whole lot longer to achieve the splits if you are not trying for it every day, and you will never achieve the splits if you stop trying. Likewise, it is important to not just try to overcome temptation, but to try every day, even if you don’t actually beat the temptation that day. People will see how you fail, but only God will see how you are trying.
Isn’t it beautiful to have something that only God sees? Then, it gets to be like a love letter between you and God. I think that is why I love hidden things. I am currently applying to graduate school, and one of the charms that I am particularly excited by at one of the schools is this hidden chapel on a hiking trail. I can already see myself going for a hike when I am frustrated in the middle of the night, finding the chapel unlocked and empty, and singing my heart out to God in the freedom of the hidden place. I think things become more beautiful when they are hidden. Perhaps this is why I am so reluctant to put myself back on a dating app to meet people. I don’t like having someone presented to me with all of the reasons why I should like them. Instead, I want to notice them in a crowd of people and get to be the one to see something special in them that others don’t see. Can I just ask God to allow me to meet a nice guy semi-randomly and to have the space to get to know him in a special and personal way before I have to decide if I like him or not? Is that too big or too specific of an ask? My parents told me to pray about everything, but why do I feel like I can’t ask for this? I literally had a girl in one of my Confirmation small groups tell me that she wanted to pray for orange juice when I asked her what she wanted prayers for. So you bet that we prayed that she would have orange juice that day. Is this what Jesus meant when He said that we have to become like children to enter the kingdom of heaven? That we should have the simplicity of heart to ask for orange juice?
My love life has been pretty nonexistent. I went on my first date in over a year two days after Valentine’s Day, and although the date was wonderful and the guy was so nice, I couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable the whole time. I have discerned religious life multiple times in my life, but I found myself always missing the silliness and the craziness that comes with living in the world. I love walking with people, and God delights in speaking to me through other people the same way that He likes to speak to me through music. I don’t know if I am looking for someone that doesn’t exist, if I am looking in the wrong places, if I am not taking chances or maybe even if I am just used to being single. My virtue that I chose for Lent will hopefully help me with this, but I don’t know. I am not sure what God is trying to do with my vocation, but I can keep going wherever I see Him. That is how I got to House of Brigid, and that is how I got to applying to graduate school. Pray for me in this time of discernment, and I will be praying for you all this Lent.
