It is a strange feeling being back in Ireland–some sort of a mix between feeling like I never left and everything seeming unfamiliar all over again. As I finished reading “The Four Loves” by C.S. before leaving for orientation, I think that it is relevant at this point in my testimony to meditate on his ideas about change and constancy.
C.S. Lewis says that the human person is naturally oriented towards the desire for change. There is an appeal in newness, something different to do, or a shift in mentality. Even the state of being alive means that we are constantly changing. C.S. Lewis then proceeds to say that God’s creation balances change with constancy. He talks about the seasons, how they occur at the same time every year and in the same way, yet with every change in season, there is a newness. I am a person that loves change. The idea of going somewhere new excites me, and I enjoy falling into conversation with new people. Even discovering a new song that I like can turn my mood around. As a precious creation of God, however, I am called to pursue both change and constancy. It is the “both…and…” of Catholicism: that two contrasting things or ideas exist together (like how Jesus Christ is both the Son of God and the Son of Man). This is something that I had been struggling with in the weeks leading up to orientation, and I find myself struggling again as I await the arrival of my two friends, Becca and Kat.
It is tricky to accept constancy when it feels like it is forced upon you. After my younger sister, Rebecca, moved out for her new job in mental health counseling, I was forced into a time of constancy. Every day became the same rotation of events: go to the mall for work, watch movies on my phone, and play my feelings out on the piano. The sameness of every day made it easy to fall into laziness and boredom. This was different than the hopelessness of waiting to leave for Ireland that I faced last winter, in part because my time was full this time around. I had found small art projects to do at the house, started reading the books that I had always wanted to read, and fell back into a workout routine. But it was hard to keep up any of these things once the third day of doing them had passed and the newness wore off. It seemed like anything that I tried to add to my day to shake things up was just going to grow dull.
It wasn’t until the last few days of being at home that I realized how to accept the routine that I was in, and that was to bring someone else into it–another being of change. For a non-Christian, this would prove to be quite the challenge when the majority of the day you spend home alone. However, as I began a prayer planner and gave a heightened focus to pursuing God, I was able to find joy in the routine. Doing another Pilates cycle now carried with it the opportunity to thank God for my day. Reading a book allowed for a topic of conversation to engage in with God. Playing the piano even became a way for God to help me sift through what was at the core of every desire on my heart. All was well.
Now that orientation is over and I am falling back into the prayer and office routine in Wexford, I find myself faced with a similar problem. This one is trickier since my schedule is not full as we wait for choirs to resume and classes to start, and every day I return to an empty house instead of a house with my parents. Walking into town every day is no longer fun, and I have found myself on the verge of a bad shopping habit as I turn to buying new things to fill my desire for change instead of God. I haven’t written in my prayer planner since arriving, which is my own fault, and I know that is allowing for God to take more of a backseat at this point in my life. It is hard to reach out to God when you have grown used to the pattern of indifference to Him. That is the challenge that I find myself in–trying to embrace this constancy by allowing God to make things new (again).
The flip of that challenge can be said for you if you are someone who likes constancy and struggles with change–trying to embrace change by remembering that God is your constant. There is that “both…and…” again: God makes things new and exciting and gives us peace by reminding us of his constant presence. It is taking a deep breath to remember that God is with you before you sing a new song or practice singing the same song for the tenth time. It is seeing that same neighborhood cat in a new light when you feel God’s presence in how the cat makes you smile, and you find joy in remembering that feeling every time that you see that cat from then on. It is feeling God’s embrace as you settle in to watch a comfort movie again, or hearing God catch your attention on a line in the movie so that you think about it in a new way. God is always trying to enter into every moment of our lives, and when we let Him in, He gives us joy and balance in both change and constancy.
