“Here’s to my House of Brigid 2020-2021 story, I am excited to fill the blank pages of a new journal for HoB 2021-2022.” -written by me in last year’s final blog post.
It seems like just yesterday that I published that blog entry here on the site. I remember having an idea of what I wanted to write about for my final blog post and it came very easily for me to weave it together. This year I have put zero thought into my final blog post. In fact, I have intentionally not thought about the topic because I knew it’d be hard, that I’d be sad and that I’d have to start coming to terms with the end of my time in the House of Brigid. I turned to Sammie the other day and jokingly said, “what’re the odds that I can just write “BYE!” with a photo of me as my final post??” As tempting as that sounds, here I am trying to think of more words to say for some sort of proper goodbye post. Coincidentally, the only thought that comes to me is the common item that threads all of my blog posts together: my journal. However, I laugh as I read my final sentence above in last year’s blog post because this particular journal is filled with nothing but blank pages.
I bought a bright green journal back in March with the Poolbeg Smokestacks printed on the front. On the inside it says, “Paris has the Eiffel Tower, New York has the Statue of Liberty, Dublin has the Poolbeg Chimneys. When you fly into Dublin and you see these chimneys, you know you’re home.” Of course, my sentimental self bought it with the intention of writing down everything that I’ve learned over the last two years as a HoB Dub fellow. My journal has always been a source of reflection, and I had high expectations that this one would carry the deepest thoughts about the entirety of my time in Ireland. I eagerly opened the journal, pulled out my pens, and designed the front page. As I sat there hoping that words would flow, I couldn’t bring myself to write down anything else but “I’ve learned so much here that it’s almost hard to name.”
And that, my friends, was all that was in my journal for over a month. I purposely didn’t open it because I feared the nostalgic emotions that came with trying to find the words to describe the last two years. It wasn’t until our retreat back in April when Kerry Egan’s words in her novel, “On Living,” felt as if they were the thoughts and emotions that were hard for me to name a month prior. They were the words that came to me while I was lacking them.
“It can be that life is beautiful…and still, as much as we may not want it to be so, it ends. It can be both beautiful and, by the very truth that it ends, full of loss and tragedy and trauma. The two can coincide. They do coincide.”
I thought of this quote not necessarily in relation to life or death (although this is a very great quote to ponder for that), but about my time here. The last two years have been beautiful. They have been filled with the beauty of landscapes, friendships, community, and faith. This distinct beauty has inflated my heart with joy and I’d love to experience it longer, but as much as I may not want it to be so, it will end. Life as I know it as a House of Brigid fellow will soon become my past.
Although there will be distance between me, Ireland, and my communities come summer, I know and recognize that they’re not entirely gone. Change is occurring, yes, but friendships and joy-filled memories from this program will remain. As all eight of Teach Bhríde 2021-2022 were at Hook Head Lighthouse in Wexford together in April, there came a point where all of us wandered off onto our own little paths. Some walked towards the water, some sat on rocks, some laid on the grass in their own little headspaces. As I embraced the wind and walked towards the water I thought, “how beautiful is it that all of these individual people have been formed by the same space and will soon walk wondrously on separate paths.” It truly is beautiful to think about how all past, present, and future Teach Bhríde fellows have and will bring our own unique Irish experiences and lessons into the next journey. It truly is wonderful that all of us experience and embrace this loss so that we may share its beauty with others in the future.
Throughout the entirety of writing this, I think I’ve come to learn that I needed to embrace the loss of this stage in my life in order to allow its beauty to flow forth in its fullest capacity. As I embrace this upcoming change, I now look forward to filling the blank pages of my bright green journal with photos, quotes, and memories from October 2020 – June 2022. I now look forward to my future and to share my experiences of Ireland and the House of Brigid with those that I encounter for years to come. Sad emotions may present themselves, but I no longer fear them or want to avoid them. Because with the sadness of change, memories of joy and love remain. With loss, beauty coincides. And that is the truth of living.
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What is a proper “goodbye” without a thank you?!
I think only one thing is really necessary to say.. shoutout to Katie Wethli in particular for always saying it to us last year (and for inspiring an entire blog post about it last year, as well).
To all those who have walked with me over the last two years (you know who you are), thank you for loving me.
And with that, BYE!!!!!!!!!!!
