This past week, I sat down and had a long conversation with Sr. Anne, one of my favorite people I’ve met at Clonard Parish. Sr. Anne is part of the Congregation of the Sisters of St. John of God, and lives within the parish bounds. To use her own description (approximately), she helps look after the well-being of our community, usually by meeting with the four of us every so often to discuss how things are working out in community life. I’ve only known her for a little over a year, but she has already made a major impact on my life.
The last month or so has been…topsy-turvy. ‘Disjointed’ is the word I keep coming back to, to describe the passage of time for me, to describe how I’m feeling. A month ago this week, my maternal grandmother passed away, and I traveled home to be with my family. I spent a week and a half with them before heading back to Ireland. I got back to Wexford without a hitch, but the next day, I woke up with a bad cold and stayed in my room for the next five days until I finally felt well enough to go back into work and spend time with my community.
Since then, we’ve had lots going on: masses, meetings, rehearsals with the Clonard Folk Choir, visits from Teach Bhríde alums, and movie nights. Much of it has been lovely and uplifting. But there have also been days when I find myself absolutely exhausted, even if I haven’t done very much. I’ve forgotten how much grief takes out of a person.
During our conversation, Sr. Anne asked if I was the type of person who attempts to put things behind them and move on to whatever is next, to compartmentalize and try to get on with things. I told her that I was. Intrinsically, I know that right now more than ever, I need to give myself some time to rest. But it’s not easy! Not when there are songs I need to go over for when I’m cantoring at mass, when there’s a text or email I have to send, or when I suddenly remember something that should get done sooner rather than later. It’s hard to take time for ourselves when we have lots of things on our minds and on our to-do lists.
So in the next few weeks, I’m challenging myself to really take time to rest every day. There will be a few practical things I’ll try to do, like go to bed early, or take time out of the day to do something relaxing. Mostly though, I’ll need to work on recognizing when I’m being too hard on myself or trying to push myself past my limits. The last thing I need is to be overly critical of myself, or to worry that I’m not doing enough. I need to give myself some grace, to recognize where I’m at right now and be okay with it.
And perhaps most importantly, I need to take time to rest in my prayer. When I think of rest and prayer, I instantly think of the line from St. Augustine’s Confessions, “You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you.” This quote has come up in a number of songs I’ve sung over the years: “Restless is the Heart” by Bernadette Farrell (one of my favorites), “Restless” by Audrey Assad, and “A Rightful Place” by Steve Angrisano. Allowing ourselves to rest in our prayer, taking a few moments to tune out all the distractions of our lives and listen only to God is a worthwhile practice. Even when we are exhausted and don’t know what to say, St. Paul explains that “…when we cannot choose words in order to pray properly, the Spirit himself expresses our plea in a way that could never be put into words, and God who knows everything in our hearts knows perfectly well what he means…” (Romans 8:26-27). God’s voice, and His unending peace, are always there for us if we seek it out.
I’ll be seeking that peace in the coming weeks and months; letting my restless heart rest in God.
