“Jesus, I trust in You.”
If I were to have any superpower, I would choose to see into the future. While many would choose the power to fly, be invisible, or have super strength, I would easily pick the ability to know when, where, and how the sequences of my life will play out.
As a person who struggles with anxiety, the Unknown is a daunting territory for me. In high school, I would worry about which of my friendships would stick. In college, I would worry about grades and succeeding academically. Today, I worry about when my preclearance letter will appear in my inbox.
As my fellow House of Brigid members have mentioned, the visa preclearance process for Ireland has been a taxing, exhausting, and frustrating experience. For several months out of this year, we have gathered application materials, awaited background checks, and waited for the approval that will get us across the pond. By now, some have received their preclearance letters, whereas others like myself, are still waiting. I find myself waking up nowadays and asking, “Will it be today? Tomorrow? In a week or two? Two months from now? Are you there, Ireland?” The result is radio silence.
In times like these, I gravitate towards Saint Faustina Kowalska, a Polish Catholic nun from the early 1900s known for experiencing apparitions and visions of Jesus while living in the convent. One of St. Faustina’s famous visions was of Jesus appearing in a white robe with two rays, one white and one red, flowing from his breast. Jesus instructed St. Faustina to paint this image and share it with the world, eventually inspiring the Roman Catholic devotion to the Divine Mercy.
My initial reactions to a saint like St. Faustina are, “How could she have trusted God so easily? Did she wonder and worry what others would think of her? Could she have doubted her faith and future as well?”
While I keep reminding myself that a waiting season is not a wasted season (shout out to Shannon and her recent post), the truth is that this is extremely difficult. Without a word from the immigration officials about my preclearance letter, I’ve reverted back to my worrying ways, wondering what there is to hope and trust in.
But then, I remember, the point of this suffering isn’t to lose hope. God isn’t waiting for me to start my life and be faithful only once I’ve touched down in Dublin. God calls me here, now, to trust in Him. And maybe that trust right now looks like spending time with my parents, who I’ll be miles away from once I leave for Ireland. Maybe that trust looks like spending time with my hometown friends, because I’ll likely miss many gatherings with them over the next year. Maybe that trust looks like me saying “God, I’m really upset and confused and lonely right now, but I know You’re there, loving me despite it all.”
There is still so much to hope, trust, and believe in. I have my faith, and maybe that’s enough for now. I have hope my preclearance letter will come, just as I have trust that Jesus will remain with me, even in the radio silence.
I trust in You.
I trust in You.
Yes, Jesus, I trust in You.
St. Faustina, pray for us.
