For a long time I thought that God got tired of me asking Him for things. I thought that if I asked every day for an increase in trust or courage or the strength to do His will, and then failed to do those things, that He saw me as a failure. I thought that God gave me gifts when I was born and gifts at Confirmation and now he was just waiting and watching to make sure that I used them correctly. I don’t think I realized that I lived my life this way. I made sure I prayed every day but when I got tired of asking God to give me grace, I would stop asking for it.
A couple months ago I started reading a book by William M. Watson, SJ during my personal prayer called Forty Weeks: An Ignatian Path to Christ With Sacred Story Prayer. I had bought the book during senior year of college but put it down after two weeks for some reason that I cannot remember. The Sacred Story prayer is modeled after Saint Ignatius’s examination of conscience and throughout 40 weeks one enters into an abiding relationship with God daily.
This book, although I am not completely finished with it, and the Ignatian way of praying has transformed my life since moving to Dublin in August. I have been not only filled with a daily joy in knowing I am loved and known by God but also a peace knowing that I am exactly where God wants me and my Sacred Story is proof of that. The book has lead my prayer life to look back on how God has been present in my life, or my Sacred Story, and how I can allow Him to continue writing it.
One of my favorite chapters has been week 5. During my prayer I asked for the inspiration to discover the name of God that speaks directly to my heart. After a few days I settled on a name, wrote it in my journal, and now use it when addressing God, since “God delights when [I] speak directly from [my] heart.” Having a name that I always address God with has been such a gift. It is an even greater gift when the name comes up in Mass or when other people use it without knowing how special it is to me. These situations are a way God shows His love to me.
Since praying in the spirit of Ignatian spirituality my narcissistic outlook on prayer and grace has also changed. Whereas before I believed that God tired of me asking great things of Him, I now know that He not only never tires of me asking but delights in me asking. We should never grow tired of asking God for help. The gifts that I received at Confirmation are just as real and vibrant today as when I received them over 10 years ago. I try to begin every day with thoughts of God and asking Him for grace and courage and trust and strength to face whatever the day may bring. Not only are God’s mercies new every morning but so is His grace.
I realize that the joy and peace that I have experienced since living in Dublin is due to how much I have grown and learned from living in my Wexford community last year. I have grown in patience and understanding and am able to use those lessons to hopefully make my community a better environment to live and work in this year. Above all else I can only credit God in my ability to grow in patience and understanding.
I want to end this blog by sharing another part of Forty Weeks that I have found tremendously helpful. During the first week I took my time during my personal prayer to read though “Sacred Story Affirmations” and let each affirmation sit with me. I was attentive to what things caused me fear, stress, anxiety, anger or grief. It is helpful to me even now to look back on this chapter and have these affirmations speak to my heart. Here are a few of the affirmations I read through. I invite you to let them sit in your heart.
My Sacred Story takes a lifetime to write.
God resolves all my problems with time and patience.
I will have difficulties in this life.
Times of peace and hope always give way to times of difficulty and stress.
Times of difficulty and stress always give way to times of peace and hope.
I will not tire of asking God for help since God delights in my asking.
Christ, who has walked before me, shares my every burden.
Crhsti, who has walked before me, will help me resolve every crisis.
Christ, who has walked before me, knows my every hope.
Christ, who has walked before me, knows everything I suffer.
Christ, who walks before me, will always lead to safety.
Only God’s grace and mercy can write my Sacred Story.
