The past couple of weeks, a recurring negative thought creeped its way into my psyche and ultimately controlled my mind and the way I reacted to different events life was throwing at me – “I’m not good enough, I’m not doing enough.” I found myself unsatisfied with just about everything in my life, from my work output, to spiritual connection, to the effort I was putting into my community, and the effort I was putting in to my own internal work and healing. I felt like I was not progressing and letting myself and my community down. I knew how hard I had been working to reverse my thought cycles and saw myself resorting back to old habits and learned behaviors.
Amid this storm of negativity, I had a God moment. A song suddenly played in my playlist, and upon hearing the chorus in the song…
So, you can’t rush your healing
Darkness has its teachings
Love is never leaving
You can’t rush your healing
Your healing
…I finally stopped and reflected. I’ve worked so hard to heal, but it is a process – it takes time, patience with myself, perseverance, and oddly enough, satisfaction with where I am and who I am. I need to find the balance between pushing to be better and contentedness with myself. I may have genetic predispositions and learned behaviors, but I can change. And I have changed. Looking back even just a couple of months, I can see how much progress I really have made; looking back a year from this point, my whole life is different, and I have grown and progressed through all those life events.
Then it got me thinking about one of my favorite parts of the Catholic mass. Right before we receive the Eucharist, our spiritual strength, we say these words: “Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.” I love these words, but upon closer reflection, I realized that it means so much more to me. These words are my daily admission that while I may not feel worthy or “enough,” all I must do is ask the Lord to forgive me and to be with me and I am healed; the healing that I work so hard for, is so simply and generously given, if I so ask it. With the Lord there is my ultimate healing. In the Lord, I am truly sated, satisfied. And if the Lord so generously forgives and loves me, then I can love and forgive myself; I can forgive myself for my mistakes, for when I doubt my worth, for when I am not satisfied and grateful for the life I am currently living.
Yes, easier said than done. I’m not finished on this journey of healing, but I can rely on the fact that I am enough, and I can learn to be satisfied with where I am on this journey and who I am right now.
