I can so clearly remember the morning that I got this job. It was back in March 2018, just before I was leaving university for spring break. I remember bursting into tears, calling my mom, and having at least five people read the letter for me, just to make sure I hadn’t made a mistake or read it incorrectly. To my disbelief, there was allegedly no mistake and I really was chosen among other applicants to House of Brigid.
Three months in, and I am still in a constant state of disbelief. Three months in and I find myself thinking, “Why me? Wasn’t there a better option? What happened in that interview? Are you sure? What am I doing here?” I oftentimes find myself asking that question, “What am I doing here?”
Most of the time it feels as though I was thrown out of a plane and am just trying to understand where I am and what in the world is going on. Most of the time, I feel that I am attempting to balance 12 spinning plates in the air, thinking that dropping even one could lead to my overall failure. Looking back on the past three months in Ireland, I find myself wanting to scream “Just drop the plates already!!”
I never thought of myself as much of a perfectionist, that is, until I found that I wasn’t perfect or great at everything I put my mind to here. The thoughts of “Surely, there was a more qualified teacher,” “There has to be a more experienced singer,” “Why was I chosen for this role,” and the thought of being less than perfect or in someway unqualified for the ministry that I was tasked with was all consuming! I spent the past three months believing that because I wasn’t perfect, I wasn’t good enough. What I was failing to understand was that human perfection does not exist in this life, in fact, it is the imperfect space between heaven and earth that allows God to lead you.
Through House of Brigid in Dublin, we have the opportunity to work with students in the local school community and teach confirmation. In my classes, I tell the girls that through confirmation, you become an adult in the eyes of the church. I tell them that God calls each of them by name to be an active member of the Catholic Church. We talk about our individual gifts and talents, and God’s immense love for us, despite our sins and imperfections. It is so simple for me to tell these young girls that God has called them by name, but somehow has seemed so impossible for me to see for myself (So, I am expecting these girls to understand that God knows and loves them in a 45 minute lesson, when it has taken me 23 years to even begin to grasp?!).
Throughout the first chapter of Genesis, the goodness of the world and of all things in it is reiterated. God saw all that He had made, and it was very good. Not great, not perfect, but good. If “good” was what God intended, then I find myself feeling silly that I thought anything less than perfection was equal to a failure?
Nearly three months into this program, and I am starting to understand that the House of Brigid program is not one specific task that needed to be completed, but a chance to see how God is calling you to each of the four pillars: Communal Living, Prayer and Spirituality, Service Through Song, and Witness and Parochial Presence. Blessed Cardinal John Henry Newman said, “I am created to do or to be something for which no one else is created: I have a place in God’s counsels in God’s world which no one else has. Whether I be rich or poor, despised or esteemed by man, God knows me and call me by my name.”
Rather than allowing myself to see the gifts that God has given me to do good, I spent hours stressing about the fact that I may not thrive in every aspect of life and ministry. I may not be perfect or even good at everything I put my mind to, but my gifts to serve God are known to Him, and I was called by name to serve here. Attempting to achieve greatness on our own is exhausting, and insane when you know that God is right there next to you, just waiting for you to accept His help and love. The moment that I let the plates drop and accept my flaws and imperfections, I began to see God work through me in my ministry and prayer life (…and to think, the answer was there the whole time…)
I have been called by God to this ministry through House of Brigid to serve in the Catholic Church. The call was never about being perfect or slipping up, it was about being open to God, giving our hearts to Him, and a desire to do good.
